When You Become The Difficult Person
Finding your way back after a detour
Whoever said that it is always darkest before the dawn was right.
I started waking up at 4:30a last Fall in an effort to tune up my daily routine. What led to this early start time was the realization that I was no longer meeting some of my health and wellness goals. The effect of that gradual slippage in healthy habits — poor eating, poor drinking, inconsistent exercise, etc. — was taking a toll on my life at home and at work. Something needed to change.
The early alarm meant that I was waking up a good two-to-three hours before sunrise through the Winter and, yeah, those morning runs were dark. Like, I needed to buy a head lamp to run on flat roads in my neighborhood dark.
The experience was quiet and invigorating, with the brilliant stars overhead and the occasional thrill of a coyote encounter. The head lamp helped calm my anxiety, it helped me navigate the dark night, and eventually guided me through the beginning of a new start toward a more consistent, fitter, and healthier version of myself today.
Of course, the individual who coined that phrase was not talking about actual darkness. Instead, a metaphorical darkness, the kind that descends on you from time-to-time seemingly out of nowhere.
You know the signs: Cynicism, resentment, despair, defeat, bitterness, melancholy, self-flagellation, imposter syndrome, social isolation. It comes in all kinds of flavors.
There’s a head lamp for this kind of darkness, too. It’s what I refer to as “The Practices” and is some combination of the following for me: Reading, writing, nature, exercise, sleep, nutrition, travel, relationships, community, therapy.
These are not meant to serve as a prescription for anybody else. You can tailor your own list of practices to suit your needs. Some people need more socializing than others, for example, while others need more solitude to recharge the batteries.
The point is not the list of things that help you recharge, necessarily. The point is that you get back to performing those good practices that recharge you when you’ve veered away from them, and when you need help getting back on track.
Knowing that you are capable of becoming the difficult person in your life, and recoginizing when you are in that space, is an important first step. What you do next with this information is what matters most.
Stay there, or head back to the better version of yourself? It’s your choice, but you know which one feels better. You know which is the right choice.
“Make the next right move.”
— Emily in Paris (seriously!)
Use your head lamp, your toolkit, your practices, to get your physical and mental self back on the right path. Remind yourself that going off-course is as much a part of your journey as when you are on-course. Accept it, extract the lessons, and keep moving forward.
You know you’re back when the signs change. You’ll replace that list above with rejuvenation, vigor, hopefulness, optimism, service, curiosity, resilience, courage, and endurance. You’ll begin another new season of you, and it’s guaranteed to be better than the last one.
Wonderful Monday morning read!